Ah, the timeless art of solving problems with a slab of metal larger than your character model. Since the dawn of Demon's Souls, FromSoftware has perfected the delicate ballet of smashing enemies into pixelated paste with weapons that defy physics and common sense. Elden Ring, that glorious 2025 masterpiece, continues this noble tradition with colossal armaments so absurdly oversized they'd make a Titan blush. There's something perversely satisfying about hoisting a boulder on a stick while your stamina bar evaporates faster than a puddle in Caelid. Sure, these monstrosities require enough Strength to bench-press a troll and often block half the screen like an obnoxious UI pop-up, but who needs situational awareness when you can turn Godrick into a pancake with one swing? The thrill of landing a charged R2 with these behemoths feels like winning the lottery while riding a dinosaur – utterly ridiculous and supremely gratifying. Just try swinging one in a catacomb corridor and you'll understand why the Tarnished probably has chronic back pain.

Kicking off our parade of impracticality is the Ancient Meteoric Ore Greatsword from the Shadow of the Erdtree expansion. This beauty looks less like a sword and more like a fragment of a dead star that someone vaguely sharpened. Wielding it feels like swinging a skyscraper made of obsidian – all jagged edges and cosmic pretentiousness. With a weight of 22.0 and Strength requirement of 35, it's essentially a gym membership in weapon form. The writer still remembers the sheer panic of navigating Scadu Altus' Ruined Forge of Starfall Past, desperately parkouring across lava pits to nab this pitch-black monstrosity. That magical damage arc? Chef's kiss. Worth almost falling into molten metal while marveling at its triangular strangeness.

Enter the Shadow Sunflower Blossom – proof that FromSoftware's designers were either high on Erdleaf flowers or absolute geniuses. Who decided a giant evil sunflower was a logical weapon? This whimsical abomination (Weight 16.0, Str 24) somehow balances delicate petal textures with bone-crushing force. The first time you smash a knight into the dirt with a floral arrangement is a surreal experience no other game provides. Obtaining it though? Absolute nightmare fuel. That Scadutree Avatar boss fight in Shadow Keep with its three-phase health bar gauntlet had the writer questioning life choices while dodging sunflower-shaped death rays. For Str/Fai builds, it's hilariously effective despite looking like you mugged Demeter's goth cousin.

Now, let's talk dual-wielding insanity. The Starscourge Greatswords are essentially two skyscrapers welded to a hilt, making your Tarnished resemble a toddler trying to lift dumbbells. Weight 20.0, Strength 38 – because why have one colossal sword when you can have two? ✨

Combat becomes a glorious mess of clipping through walls and accidentally hitting allies. The memory of defeating Starscourge Radahn at Redmane Castle remains vivid – sweaty palms, trembling fingers, and the euphoric relief when Enia finally handed over these ridiculous blades. Wielding them makes you feel like a god until you get stuck in a doorway. Every. Single. Time.

Behold the Fallingstar Beast Jaw – Elden Ring's answer to 'what if we made a dinosaur femur shoot lightning?' This jagged monstrosity (Weight 21.5, Str 34) remains iconic despite post-nerf tears. Its Gravity Bolt skill used to delete enemy stance bars like a cheat code. Scaling Mt. Gelmir to fight the Full-Grown Fallingstar Beast felt like a cosmic horror pilgrimage, only to realize you're turning its tooth into a weapon. Poetic. The crooked tip somehow connects with enemies' faces more satisfyingly than therapy. Still miss those pre-nerf glory days though.

Short rant: Nothing prepares you for the Anvil Hammer's sheer audacity. It's literally an anvil. On a stick. Found in Ruined Forge Lava Intake like some inside joke among blacksmiths. Weight 22.0, Strength 39 – because swinging a compact car requires commitment. First swing reaction: 'This is stupid.' Tenth swing: 'I AM THE GOD OF FORGES!' Stamina vanishes faster than my will to live against Malenia. Still adore it.

Ah, the Prelate's Inferno Crozier – Smough's thicc cousin with anger issues. Weight 23.5, Strength 45? More like Strength: 'yes.' This fiery sledgehammer turns mobs into pancakes with roiling flame aesthetics. Farming the Fire Prelate in Fort Laiedd was an exercise in patience and fire resistance buffs. Each successful flattening of a lowly soldier delivers childish glee. That crimson glow haunts dreams. Pure art.

Finally, the pièce de résistance: the Giant-Crusher. This 26.5 weight abomination (Str 60!!) makes other colossal weapons look like toothpicks. Finding it casually in an Altus Plateau carriage was hilariously anticlimactic – like discovering Excalibur in a Walmart parking lot. Charged heavy attacks induce boss PTSD. Dual-wielding? Madness only attempted once before respeccing into something saner. Stats summary:

Weapon	Weight	Str Req	Comedy Factor
Giant-Crusher	26.5	60	🌋🌋🌋🌋🌋
Anvil Hammer	22.0	39	🌋🌋🌋🌋
Sunflower	16.0	24	🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Looking ahead, one dreams of DLC weapons scaling with pure absurdity – perhaps a movable Divine Tower or a dragon carcass flail. Maybe a weapon so large it requires cooperative wielding? FromSoftware, take notes: we need hammers that double as mobile homes and swords that clip through entire regions. Until then, we'll keep happily smashing, screen-obscuring and all.